Straitjacket Paradise (34): Winter Doom
A TVFUN series: The world has become an overcrowded madhouse rubber room, where an electric shock at one end spreads all the way to the occupants at the other. And I am stuck in the middle.
The seasonal “Dom” funfair in St. Pauli, Hamburg, is upon us again! The above picture still shows the entrance to “Summer Dom”. Then there was a pause, the stalls and fun rides having been dismantled. But since November, they stand resurrected in more or less the same formation. Only the temperature of Hamburg’s year round drizzle has changed.
Actually, it's almost always Dom in Hamburg - and almost always there’s the accompanying fireworks. Which brings me to the ongoing topic of these dark days and months: our collective dance on the edge of the volcano. The fact that there are no alarming updates on this TVFUN article at the moment doesn't mean anything: the guys from the World Economic Forum and the MIC are just taking a breather. Assisted by the politicians on their payroll, they will never tire of lighting the fuse to the great powder keg. Thus, a tiny artistic variation of the logo shown above therefore remains highly topical:
***
A recent dream featuring German Economic Affairs Minister and Vice-Chancellor Robert Habeck:
For a personality story, I spend a whole day with Habeck in Berlin, and in the end he grants me and the photographer a special favor: the Vice Chancellor poses in the confessional he likes to visit on Sundays to obtain forgiveness of his sins (n.b.: in my dream). I am allowed to sit in the priest's compartment on the other side of the partition wall and listen in. Unfortunately, the acoustics are so bad that I cannot understand anything and wake up.
It then takes me ten minutes to get my bearings again.
***
The day before yesterday, a committee of experts from the US House of Representatives in Washington presented the 520-page final report of its investigation into the causes and course of the coronavirus pandemic. Among other things, it concludes that the mask requirement in the USA has not brought any demonstrable benefit and that the lockdowns (under the then incumbent US President Joe Biden) have even caused considerable social damage. In addition, the cause of the pandemic is stated to be that the virus “most likely originated in a laboratory in Wuhan, China”. With the same degree of likelihood it owes its escape from the laboratory to an “incident” relating to so-called gain-of-function research, i.e. genetic modifications to the original virus that were intended to lead to increased virulence or dangerousness of the pathogen.
These laboratory theses were already advocated by physics professor Roland Wiesendanger from the University of Hamburg in February 2021 after extensive internet research. At the time, he was castigated by Green parliamentarians and representatives of the university's Students Council for advocating “unscientific” theories and spreading “anti-Asian racism”. Of course, they even called for his head.
In a just world, the accusers at the time would now be on their knees begging Wiesendanger for forgiveness in view of their prepotent presumption and arrogance. Alas, we do not live in a just world, but in a society dominated (as of today) by green-leftist extremists.
***
I would like to draw the attention of the EU Commission in Brussels to an omission of theirs in my ongoing education as a Good Consumer©: it is not enough that the screw tops on juice or milk cartons are now firmly attached to the carton and therefore non-disposable on their own. In the nanny state of Europe, this is a good 9/10 for encroachment, but not yet 10/10. The top score will only be reached when my toast pack is finally fused with its plastic clip to form an indissoluble unit:
Just imagine the megatons of free-floating plastic waste that will be spared from the oceans! No more risk of injury from sharp-edged vagabond clips! No chance for toast deniers who sinfully fire the plastic clip into the bushes as soon as they have torn open the new packet on their way to the bus stop in the morning and stuffed the first slice of flabby white bread of the day into their greedy mouths! Let us, the Last Generation, leave our aborted children a clip-free world!
#ShackleTheToastClipsNow!
***
Under WEF communist leader Keir Starmer, the UK is a haven of liberalism and ideological tolerance. That is why professional footballer Mark Guéhi from London's Premier League club Crystal Palace will not have his arm chopped off, even though he desecrated the captain's sacred rainbow armband by writing “I love Jesus” on it.
Guéhi is merely to be reprimanded by the Football Association as, according to the their statutes, the display of religious messages on the pitch is not permitted. Rather, the rainbow armband was made compulsory for all team captains in the run-up to Christmas in order to spread a different kind of gospel: the Good News of LGBTQXYZ.
The Guardian newspaper, which I love to hate and even more lovingly hate to quote, let the authorities' failure to chastise Guéhi pass. After all, totalitarian dogmatism is competely alien to the champagne socialists of the London news outlet. They instead pilloried another player, Sam Morsy, the captain of the Ipswich Town team, as he was “the only one” not to wear a rainbow armband on the previous match day. In denouncing him, however, the editor was in danger of being torn apart by cognitive dissonance. The reason for this was Morsy’s justification why he had refrained from the colorful glorification of queerness: “due to his religious convictions as a Muslim”. Bang! Two of the Guardian's preferred victim groups had collided.
After untying the identity-political knot, however, the following football-religious table positions emerge: LGBTQXYZ > Allah > Jesus > Hitler. Please memorize this for the next time you visit an English stadium!
(Update, Dec. 6) Premier League club Manchester United have cancelled their audacious plan to add - I kid you not! – a rainbow jacket to the players’ wardrobe. The decision came after defender Noussair Mazraoui, a Muslim, refused to wear the thing, “cititing his religious beliefs”. Haven’t we all long suspected that Islam will deliver us from wokeness one day?
***
Hi there, young white woman in a short skirt! Yes, you there on the subway station wall in Hamburg, smiling rapturously and pressing the SOS button on the emergency call box because it's a nice and communicative way to pass the waiting time! Did you know why the advertising poster with your photo has the strangely weak phrase “Feel safe!” on it? Because the transport company’s legal department would prohibit advertisers from using the much snappier promise “You're safe!” for reasons of liability and, most of all, realism.
It's like with the antivirus program on my computer. When I run it, I normally get the reassuring message, “No malware found.” What I don’t get is the even more reassuring message, “There is no malware on your computer.” But at least I feel safe.
This episode of “Straitjacket Paradise” is an experiment to find out whether this serial format, having existed only in my German magazine TWASBO until now, is suited for an English-speaking Substack audience.